You Never Can Tell : Summary

Summary

Act – I

A Dentist’s Office: The play begins on a morning in August 1896 in a dentist’s chamber, which is well-decorated and spacious but shows signs of Victorian poverty. The dentist, Mr. Valentine, who is thirty years old, has rented his chamber. Six weeks have passed without any patients. For the first time, he had a patient named Dolly, who came from Madeira, one of the most famous cities in Portugal, to England for dental treatment.

Dr. Valentine tells Dolly that she is his first patient and will cost five shillings for the tooth extraction and an additional five shillings if she wants anesthesia. Dolly is surprised to hear she is the doctor’s first patient. She asks him why he doesn’t practice in a hospital, amused. Valentine humorously and scientifically responds that although she is his first patient, she need not worry because he is a trained doctor. He then skillfully extracts Dolly’s tooth. However, she opted out of receiving gas because it would cost an additional five shillings.

Later, Dolly asks Valentine why he charges five shillings for everything. Valentine humorously replies that he wants people to call him the “five-shilling doctor.” Meanwhile, Dolly’s impulsive twin brother Philip appears in the chamber. Philip is an extraordinary young man because he always observes people’s nature. He curiously watches the doctor and concludes that the doctor is not a wealthy man because he lives alone by the seaside without his parents. Soon, a friendship forms among these three young people.

Then, Dolly invites Valentine to a lunch party. However, Valentine politely tells her he cannot join them for lunch because he doesn’t know his father well. Eventually, Valentine agrees to go to lunch and goes inside to change his outfit for the meal. In the meantime, Mrs. Clandon, a feminist, and her elder daughter Gloria come to the dentist’s office because Dolly was late returning to the Marine Hotel. Valentine comes out of his chamber. Dolly introduces Valentine to her mother and elder sister, Gloria, who is her mother’s perfect disciple.

Here, a romance sparks at first sight between Valentine and Gloria. Meanwhile, Valentine’s parlor maid informs him that his landlord wants to speak with him. Valentine tells his maid to inform the landlord that he has four patients in his chamber and will meet him in a few minutes. Mrs. Clandon is surprised by the doctor’s behavior. Curiously, she asks the doctor why he is lying. He humbly replies that Dolly is his only patient in six weeks because his landlord is forcing him to vacate his chamber. But today, his lie will establish his business. Mrs. Clandon is now reassured. Valentine asks them to stay a while so he can speak with his landlord.

After Valentine leaves, Mrs. Clandon’s three children ask about their father’s identity. Mrs. Clandon responds that their father is an outdated man and that she does not want to talk about him. When Valentine returns, Mrs. Clandon tells him that she needs to go back to the hotel to talk to an old friend and asks Valentine to bring the landlord to the lunch party. After saying this, Mrs. Clandon leaves.

Then, Mr. Crampton arrives at the chamber because his tooth is bothering him, and he wants it pulled. Mr. Crampton looks at Dolly with emotion. Dolly asks Mr. Crampton about his age and why he looks at her that way. Mr. Crampton tells her that he is seventy-seven years old and she looks like her mother. Dolly asks him why she seems to him not like his daughter but like her mother. Mr. Crampton then becomes angry, and Dolly is surprised because the old man hates his daughter. Gloria, Dolly, and Philip leave the chamber. It’s half past one, and Mr. Crampton also agrees to go to lunch.

Act – II

The Terrace of The Marine Hotel: Valentine and Mr. Crampton talk about married life. Valentine is very optimistic about marriage, but Mr. Crampton is quite pessimistic. Valentine then asks Mr. Crampton why he has such a negative view of marriage. Mr. Crampton, visibly irritated, responds that he is not a bachelor. Valentine wants to know about his landlord, Mrs. Crampton, and his family. He replies that his wife left him eighteen years ago, and he does not know where she is with their three children.

At the resort hotel’s veranda, Mrs. Clandon, Philip, and Mr. McComas discuss socialism, which Mrs. Clandon despises. Mr. McComas requests Mrs. Clandon to abandon her ideals. Proudly, Mrs. Clandon declares that her ideals will not be destroyed because she has raised Gloria with those principles. Mr. McComas suggests that Gloria should be allowed to make her own choices. However, Mr. McComas asks Mrs. Clandon why she has called him there. Mrs. Clandon humorously replies that she hasn’t seen him for a long time. Mr. McComas then asks her for the real reason.

Act – III

The Clandon’s sitting room at The Marine Hotel: Mrs. Clandon tells him that she has asked him to come there to talk to her children about Mr. Crampton. Mrs. Clandon tells Dolly that Mr. McComas, who is both her father’s friend and hers, will tell them about their father more beautifully than she could. Mr. McComas starts to explain, but Dolly interrupts, asking what their father looks like and how old he is. Mr. McComas answers that their father is 57 years old and lives in this town. He is a very wealthy man. Dolly then asks for her father’s name.

Mr. McComas responds, “Mr. Crampton.” Dolly is delighted, but Philip is outraged and cannot accept Mr. Crampton as his father. Mr. McComas tells Philip that he does not have the right to choose his father based on his own views. The situation calms down as they had met Mr. Crampton that morning and invited him for lunch. Mrs. Clandon and Gloria go inside the hotel. Meanwhile, Philip asks William Bohun, the waiter, to play a trick on Mr. Crampton. The waiter agrees. Mr. Crampton arrives at the hotel with Valentine. The waiter respectfully informs Mr. Crampton that he is going to have lunch with his children and family.

Mr. Crampton is shocked and warns the waiter against making fun of him. The waiter politely responds that he is not joking, as Mr. McComas, a lawyer, has already told the children the whole incident. Now, Mr. Crampton becomes more furious and threatens Valentine. Valentine requests that Mr. Crampton not get agitated. 

Act-IV

The Clandon’s sitting room at The Marine Hotel – Later at Night: At lunch, Mr. Crampton approaches the table but is greatly humiliated by his children’s anger. He suffers from their wrath. But the saddest thing for Mr. Crampton is that his children have not learned good behavior. Here, the playwright satirizes so-called Victorian modernism through lunch and the children’s behavior.

The scene now shifts to Gloria and Valentine. Valentine greatly praises Gloria’s beauty. On the other hand, Gloria blindly adheres to her feminist ideals. She mentions that she is not inclined to marry. She says that a woman with self-respect cannot marry. Dolly and Philip inform Mrs. Clandon that Gloria has fallen in love with Valentine. Mrs. Clandon speaks with Gloria about the matter and convinces her not to accept Valentine’s love.

Mrs. Clandon explains to Gloria her view of the concept of family. According to Mrs. Clandon, there are generally two types of families: mutual understanding-based and male-dominated. She proudly declares that her family is one based on mutual understanding. Therefore, Gloria does not need to marry.

The scene now takes a turn toward Gloria’s anger. Gloria learns that Valentine has already proposed to several women. When Gloria questions Valentine about this, he admits it without hesitation. He explains that it is a natural instinct for a man to propose to women in search of his true partner. Now that he has found his perfect partner, he will propose to no one else. However, Gloria does not believe this. Valentine then explains that when he first saw Gloria, he felt oxygen running through his blood. Gloria also admits that she felt the same.

Valentine further explains that their relationship is like a chemical reaction. Like in a chemical reaction, at least two elements combine to form a new substance. Similarly, a relationship between a man and a woman lasts because a new person comes into the world through such a relationship. Now Gloria feels reassured and kisses Valentine. But later, Valentine learns from the disguised waiter Bohun that Gloria was involved in several other love affairs before her relationship with Valentine. Meanwhile, Mr. Crampton’s children and his wife, Mrs. Clandon, accept him.